


Shall We Jump?

by river_quill



Category: Holby City
Genre: Alternate Universe, Babyfic, C-Section, Cravings, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Pain, References to Depression, Unplanned Pregnancy, premature baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-08-14 07:36:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16488395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/river_quill/pseuds/river_quill
Summary: Every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant... Or do they?Once Roxanna accepted the fact that she would soon have a child, all the bad things in her life seemed to just float away.Then things went wrong... Now she's not even sure anything good will happen ever again.





	1. Dreams Versus Memories

**Author's Note:**

> So we're gonna pretend that John is the actually kinda OK bloke I thought he was when I was first introduced to him, remember the man who let Rox stay at his house when she was sleeping in her office and scattered her husband's ashes for her when she was too upset to do it herself. Just remember him and this'll be a hell of a lot easier to read, promise.

Day 1 Everything is a blur. Memories and dreams just seem to merge together and make some alternate version of events that Roxanna can't quite make out. She can remember being drunk - well, drunk is a very strong word - tipsy would be a better way of describing it. Just intoxicated enough to start laughing uncontrollably at the drop of a hat, but not so much that she couldn't make rational decisions. Earlier that day Henrik and herself had conducted a seven hour operation on a young patient with a brain hemorrhage having been in a major RTC, a procedure requiring both their expertise, the success of which was then celebrated by several drinks in Albie's. A few glasses in Henrik had offered to buy them both dinner, the restaurant a few blocks away would suffice - despite its overpriced cuisine, though with the wage of a highly regarded surgeon, one meal would hardly put a dent in his wallet. Then there was a gap. A huge, enigmatic, whopper of a gap that irritated her to the bone like trying to remember a word on the tip of your tongue. The more Roxanna thought about it, the further it went back in her mind until she couldn't even recall how she'd gotten home; And that leads us to her next memory, there had been wine... Lots of wine, a glass and a half between them if she was right. Either way she was now reconsidering her use of the word 'tipsy' and replacing it with hammered, same goes for the term 'rational decision' which was now also being questioned as she thought - no, knew - what she had done next. They were kissing, well, more specifically he was kissing her. A gentle hand gripped to her side, the other stroking her face as they joined lips, it had felt so wrong and yet right at the same time creating a sudden wave of overwhelming emotions that had stupid thoughts jumping about in her head: They were like siblings, it had felt wrong - or at least that's what she'd told herself when she'd pushed him away. One look from Henrik's apologetic eyes, though, had her returning it without a seconds regard. She wasn't entirely sure whether she felt lucky or cursed for the clear pictures that had apparently been imprinted in her mind after they'd made their way upstairs. The neat pile of clothes Henrik had made at the side of the bed and the slightly messier attempt she had made of her own, the way he'd kissed her neck and everywhere else and the noises he made when she'd done the same to him. She could remember the fun they'd had but also the way it had made her feel so sad for reasons unknown, and the way she felt covered in goosebumps despite the warmth radiating from her bare skin. Being kneaded into the mattress and told how precious she was with every touch, the way he had stroked, licked, caressed her in every way imaginable and the moans of ecstasy that were to come after. The drive to work had been harrowingly tough even with Henrik's absence and although she was three hours early for her shift, any excuse to get out of the house before he'd woken up was very much welcomed at the time. She thanked god it was his day off - hence why they'd allowed themselves to indulge the night before - and found more than once her grip on the steering wheel tightening as she recalled each detail. A particularly large bump in the road, however, jolted the thoughts out of her head and she parked calmly in the premises of the hospital. The moment the windows were up and the engine was off she closed her eyes with a sigh before impaling her head on the wheel causing the horn to beep as she repeatedly whacked it in frustration. It wasn't long before the sound caught the attention of John who jogged up to the car and peered through the glass at the woman who still had her head to the ground. A deep muffled groan fell from her lips and quickly escalated into a high pitched screech of annoyance which the professor simply raised an eyebrow at, a slight satisfaction threaded onto his lips that he had taught her how to do that. The next part was mostly still there, the thrashing headache that had been developing since she'd woken up didn't make it easy to remember every aspect of the next few minutes but she could put together a fairly detailed transcript in her mind. It had made her jump when John knocked on the window making him laugh briefly before kindly opening the car door for her. "I'd ask how your day's going but I think that's fairly self explanatory." He remarked as she swung her legs round the side of the seat. She'd just looked up at him with those huge green eyes and vaguely tinted lips that spoke before her mind could even catch up. "I slept with Henrik." She'd blurted, gaze to the floor where she couldn't see John's reaction. "Right..." he replied, the 'I' sound prolonging. "Is that it?" Roxanna looked up, shaking her head, a little miffed. "Well what more do you want? Do you want me to be angry at you, how would that benefit either of us?" John replied, cocking his head to the side a little like a confused puppy. She let out a single note of laughter. "I don't know." the blonde admitted, "It just doesn't sit right, I feel bad about it." "Because of David?" His words were slow and careful as if in some forbidden language or a curse. He tried reading the neurosurgeon's face for any hints of a reaction but was greeted with nothing more than a frown. "Maybe." she nodded cautiously, then something hit her. "Oh god, you're right!" "Don't worry about it." John intervened before she could get too wound up about it. "I didn't even think, I still have the ring on and everything-" She stared disgustedly down at her hand. "Rox, Rox-" "But-" "Roxanna!" he raised his voice for good measure and held onto both her shoulders, bending down to her level so he could address her. "Talk to Henrik." she opened her mouth only to be cut off. "Not today..." he persisted, "But at some point." The blonde took a deep breath. "OK. You're right." She'd nodded and gotten out the car, she'd flung her handbag over her shoulder and locked the vehicle, she'd even held the door open for him as they'd made their way onto Keller. What she didn't do was talk to Henrik. So here she is, three weeks later, trying everything she can to remember what had happened that night as she sits on the closed toilet seat in tears. The only audible sound being the muffled voices of people on the ward outside and her sobs that echo throughout the lady's bathroom. There's some doubt as to the emotion behind them, whether they're happy or sad, they're certainly scared. Either way she wipes them away to stare down at the test in her hand, specifically the small screen at the top with the word 'pregnant' spread across it with a tiny happy face looking back at her with its smug little smile which only coaxes her into weeping harder. Taking a minute to compose herself, Roxanna takes out her compact mirror from her pocket, glances at it to make sure no one would be able to tell she'd been crying, and discretely folds the test back into its box. For once she's grateful for the old receipts and train tickets she forgot to take out of her bag as they made a surprisingly good camouflage for the secret now laying beneath them. "OK." she whispers half to herself, half to the wisp of life now growing inside of her. "I can do this... We can do this."


	2. Conversations Almost Had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had, however, come up with several mental scripts of plausible ways that conversation could go, all of which ended in somebody crying, the more dramatic of outcomes ended with someone hiding in one of the storage cupboards and waiting for death of natural causes... Perhaps she'd over thought this a little too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry these chapters are so short, I'll try to post as often as I can to make up for it, though! ;-)

Week Six

It'd been three weeks since she'd discovered her pregnancy and six weeks of not talking to Henrik with caught eyes and interrupted conversations as their only form of communication. She hadn't quite figured out how she was going to tell him that she was carrying his child, nor how to describe their relationship - if there was one anymore. She had, however, come up with several mental scripts of plausible ways that conversation could go, all of which ended in somebody crying, the more dramatic of outcomes ended with someone hiding in one of the storage cupboards and waiting for death of natural causes... Perhaps she'd over thought this a little too much.

Maybe talking to John could help, she wasn't sure why she thought this but it felt like the right thing to do or maybe that was just her hormones playing tricks on her again... Actually that would explain the cupboard thing.

To be fair John did have his moments, he was a clinical genius after all, so logically it would make sense if he was as knowledgeable in other areas too. When she was first going out with David back in the States she'd often go to him and Henrik about relationship advice - which seemed ironic now given both their histories with romance, or lack of - the latter was almost always more helpful but considering he's the topic of such a conundrum, the former would have to do.

"John?" she announces upon entering the lab.

"Yes?" Roxanna detects some bitterness in his voice as he rounds the corner and it's made obvious she's interrupted him on something but is somewhat relieved when a small smile makes its way onto his face. "You alright?" he asks signalling for her to come in and perches lazily against one of the counter surfaces.

"No." she admits, the word not sitting quite right in her mouth so she corrects herself. "Yes..."

"Make your mind up, Rox." he replies fondly.

The blonde pushes herself up on the bench opposite and rubs her eyes with both hands. "I don't know." she shrugs before twisting round 180 degrees on the counter to look behind her and leans forward to see past the corner. "Is Essie here?"

"She's busy on Keller, why?" he gets up to claim the other end of the bench, pushing himself up and sliding himself securely next to Roxanna who puts her hands flat on her knees and huffs.

"I need to tell you something..." she waits for a reaction, "But you have to swear not to tell anyone- especially Henrik!"

"Fine." he says simply and Roxanna detects he's not taking it quite seriously.

"I mean it John! If this gets out I will know it was you." she raises her voice.

"I promise!" he throws his arms up in surrender before stopping to acknowledge the terrified look in the woman's eyes that she was evidently trying so hard to cover up. Instantly a slither of guilt shudders through him and he rests a hand on her lower arm. "Something's wrong isn't it." he lowers his voice and looks up to meet their eyes. She scoffs slightly and sniffs back a tear, a betrayed blink, however, sends it tumbling down onto her knees which she quickly wipes away.

"Yes, I think something is." she looks away, ashamed that she could call the situation wrong. She didn't mean it, of cause she didn't, it's her baby, but it was the only way she could make any sense of it for John.

"You know you can tell me anything." he takes her face in his hands to wipe away yet another stray tear. The neurosurgeon finds herself frowning at his choice of words as she remembers how strained their relationship had been since everything with Jac, they hadn't so much fallen out - they were too mature for that, or at least she was - than agreed to disagree. They'd had such an unbreakable bond back in the States, like they were each others protector, and Roxanna still encouraged him to remember the version of himself that she yearned for so much. She wanted more than most things to own such an impregnable bond with someone - anyone - again.

"Can I?" she asks and he knows it's not strictly rhetorical.

No.

"You know you can."

"I know our relationship has been under pressure over the past few weeks and I don't want us to become enemies."

"You know that would never happen."

Watch your step.

"I just miss how we used to be - and I know David's not here anymore but the three of us aren't as close as we used to be."

"We'll get there... eventually, we always have."

I'm avoiding you.

"Are you sure?"

"Of cause."

Never.

"...Thank you." she smiles.

"Any time." he replies.

Leave me alone.

Roxanna jumps when she hears the lock click open to reveal Nurse De Luca hanging in the frame, head peeping through the half open door. "Sorry, am I interrupting something?" she asks innocently.

"No, no it's fine, I was just leaving." she splutters, collecting her belongings in a bit of a panic.

"Sorry." Essie apologizes again, "Ms Campbell was asking for some scan results? She said you had them." she glances at Roxanna who diverts her gaze to the floor.

"Yes, sorry, I'll bring them up now." John clicks his fingers and disappears round the corner.

The nurse nods once and smiles to Roxanna who still has her eyes to the ground. "Don't worry, it wont take two seconds." she tries and beams at the blonde when she finally looks up.

"I need to get going anyway." she lies and rushes past the shorter woman.

"Weren't you going to tell me something?" John calls, emerging from behind the wall.

"I'm sorry." she ducks her head and shifts through the basement, heels clicking against the solid floor.

"Roxanna!" she hears her name being called as she gets onto the stairwell but forces herself to keep walking and not look back.


	3. Cheese And... Chacolate?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the main entrance, Meena Chowdhury smiles at Roxanna as she goes through the automatic door which she returns but soon finds fading as a wave of nausea washes over her. She sways on the spot and raises a desperate arm out to lean against the wall and balance herself before the other hand joins it and she doubles up. The sound of her gagging regains the attention of John who excuses himself to Serena and marches up to the blonde.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I keep forgetting to update so here's a long than usual chapter to satisfy yourselves with (okay so looking back on it, it actually seems quite small) looks can be deceiving OK?! lol.

Week 7

"We need to talk." John says, coming up behind Roxanna who gives a stifled gasp. "About last week." he elaborates when met with a blank expression.

"I can't." she replies stubbornly with a violent shake of the head, the same shaken emotion exposed by her eyes emerges yet again and she speeds up her pace. He doesn't stop her.

A heavy sound of something falling followed by a grumbled "Oh for fuck sake!" catches his attention and he spins round to see a worn out looking Serena Campbell now staring down at a large pile of folders. He rushes over to pick them up before she has to kneel down and smiles at her when she gratefully takes them back.

At the main entrance, Meena Chowdhury smiles at Roxanna as she goes through the automatic door which she returns but soon finds fading as a wave of nausea washes over her. She sways on the spot and raises a desperate arm out to lean against the wall and balance herself before the other hand joins it and she doubles up. The sound of her gagging regains the attention of John who excuses himself to Serena and marches up to the blonde.

"Ugh." she grimaces, gulping some fresh air and wiping her mouth on the back of her sleeve.

"Rox... You alright?" he asks, his hand touching the small of her back in comfort.

She wrinkles her nose at the puddle of sick now at their feet and guides them inside - slowly, she was still a bit wobbly. "I think it was off." she coughs.

"I'm sorry?" John turns to face her.

"The milk." she continues, realizing she hadn't explained properly. "I think it was out of date, I should have checked."

"Oh." He nods though it's clear he's not entirely convinced, nevertheless he offers her his arm and they make their way to the lift. Roxanna just prays he doesn't ask anymore questions or remember that she doesn't have any milk in coffee or serial.

***

John enters the lab to the same sound he'd been met with yesterday morning, namely the sound of Roxanna MacMillan throwing up only this time into one of the lab sinks. Calmly he sighs and reaches for a paper towel which he offers out in front of her when she holds her head back up.

"Sorry." she takes the tissue. "I was just trying to find you."

"You should go shopping." John nods to her.

"What?" the neurosurgeon replies with genuine confusion.

"To buy new milk." he smiles, unsure.

"Oh." she smiles, remembering the lie she'd told him the day before. "Yes."

John stares at her for a moment. "Are you sure you're OK Rox?"

"Of cause." she smiles a smile that doesn't even convince herself despite being this side of her face.

"Really? Because you were sick yesterday morning, you're sick now. If I didn't know better I'd say you had morning sickness." he scoffs playfully but Roxanna stops dead. Her heart beats a little faster with each second, eyes widened with guilt, a river of tears ready to be unleashed at any moment. He laughs uncertainly with a frown of deep, deep confusion. "...You're not..." he looks her up and down once before she meets his gaze, a portal opening allowing a stream of salt water to run down her cheek and onto her chin. "Really?" he asks, not entirely sure how he should be reacting.

She nods solemnly before screwing up her face and melting into tears, John stretches out his arms to embraces her, a little part of his heart breaks as he feels her sobbing into his neck. "I'm sorry." She chokes out between breaths.

He hushes her and strokes the nape of her neck, "It'll be fine." he whispers making her pull back.

"Will it?" John frowns, his hand still holding both hers. "There's a two month old baby living in my stomach that belongs to my best friend. I'm forty-eight and menopausal - or so I thought - with sever morning sickness that seems to be striking me at any point between seven and ten causing me to vomit uncontrollably. No offence but I think I'm going to struggle giving an optimistic response to that."

John nods in the right places before releasing his grip on her hands and crossing them across his chest. "Have you told Henrik yet?"

Her silence is confirmation enough and he gives her a disapproving look. "Roxanna..."

"I just don't know how to!" She defends, "...I'm not ready."

"I'm not about to force you, but it needs to happen soon. You can't hide that forever." he nods to her stomach.

She puts her head in her hands with exhaustion. "I know." John pulls her in for another hug.

"It'll be okay, you hear me Roxanna?" she looks up at him. "It'll be fine."

"You don't know that." another tear drifts down her face which John blocks with his thumb.

"Yes... I do." there's a moments silence before she crumbles back into tears again. They stand there for a good half an hour before the blonde's pager bleeps at her, informing her she was being called into theater, and she quickly wipes her face clean.

"Rox." John calls to her when she finally makes her exit. She turns, "He deserves to know, Henrik... when you're ready."

She nods with a weak smile and heads up to neuro, even in an hours time she wouldn't be sure if telling John was a good idea but she supposed they'd inevitably just have to get on with it and would, in fact - eventually - be alright... Eventually.

***

The next day Roxanna finds herself walking into work loaded with sick bags which she'd 'borrowed' from a supply cupboard and a packet of mint flavoured chewing gum just in case she was sick again - it had already happened a few minutes having woken up, but she wasn't betting all her money on it not happening again at all.

John darts up to her before she's even through the doors on Keller with a huge, satisfied grin plastered across his face. "What?" Roxanna asks deadpan and folds her arms for good measure.

"I got you these." he replies, holding up a wad of white plastic bags identical to the ones currently on her person.

"Snap." she raises her eyebrows as if to say 'beat you to it' and holds out her partially open handbag for him to see. Upon realization he rolls his eyes but nevertheless hands them to her anyway.

"Well then, that should last you to at least week fourteen." he jokes.

"Oh, don't remind me." she scowls, shaking her head and gesturing for him to stop. "I haven't told him yet, if that's what you're wondering."

"He has rights." Gaskell persists.

"I know that but it was hard enough telling you as it was!" She pinches the bridge of her nose, "I keep on thinking I'm going to tell him and then I see his face and suddenly I start panicking, look, I'm doing it now." she rests one hand on her stomach, the other flat across her chest which pulses up and down in an unnatural pattern; after a few deep breaths it goes back to normal. "Look, I think I'm just going to keep it a secret for as long as possible and before you say anything I know it's wrong but I'll thank you not to judge me for it. It's my decision!" she states clearly.

"Alright, fine. I don't agree with you but I'm hardly about to argue with a pregnant woman," he stands back a bit, "Especially one whose hormone are everywhere." he adds under his breath.

"Have you seen how heavy my bag is? I could break your nose with this." she remarks making it clear that she'd heard him.

"Which is exactly why you shouldn't be carrying that." John snatches it from her and flings it over his arm. "Can't you get something lighter?"

"Change the subject why don't you." The blonde sniffs. "But no, it shouldn't be as heavy if I put some things in my locker or the office. Usually I just prefer to have everything on me in case of emergencies but I suppose I wont have much choice in that now I have you breathing down my neck."

John blinks at her. "Exactly." he shrugs and leads them to her office where Henrik is sat at his desk.

"Morning." he nods to them both which they each return only John gives Roxanna a judgmental little brow raise before spinning on his heels and fleeing down the corridor. She simply shakes her head at him and sits herself down in her chair, an audible grumble coming from her stomach almost as soon as she's settled.

"No time for breakfast?" Henrik asks, having to rip his eyes away from his work to look at her. She was admittedly much nicer to look at than the nursing timetable that he was in the process of checking for a fourth time, but his OCD kept him staring at it until he'd finished the line he was on before allowing him to draw his gaze upwards.

It's only with Henrik's words that Roxanna begins to realize just how hungry she is and with a slight embarrassment burning in her cheeks she abruptly excuses herself with a mumbled "Something like that." before disappearing out of the room. A spontaneous craving strikes her which she registers as cheese and chocolate, a combination that had honestly never crossed her mind in the past, and she instantly has to resist the urge to go down to Pulses there and then to order something of the sort.

Roxanna had always been the sort of person who promises themselves not to go shopping when hungry in fear of buying the entire shop, this, however, she passed off as baby hormones and allowed herself, just this once, to buy anything from the cafe that took her fancy.

Which was, admittedly, a very bad idea that she only came to realise once she was walking back to her office with six gingerbread men, two bars of Cadbury Dairy Milk and - for some odd reason as yet to be uncovered - a bap of only grilled cheese. The bap was just a disguise, she knew from the moment she bought it that it was the chocolate bar who would be matched with such an item. The gingerbread men were for later... or if she was still hungry after her chocolate and cheese, either would suffice.


	4. Roxanna Versus Waistband, Who Would Win?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't tell Abigail." She calls having stopped after several feet, trying her hardest not to make it sound like a beg, he just keeps going until he's off the ward and safely into the corridor. 
> 
> "Don't tell me what?" A voice from behind her says making her automatically spin on the spot to reveal none other than Ms Abigail Tate herself. Roxanna's eyes widen and she self-consciously wraps her coat around her a little tighter. 
> 
> "It's not important." she smiles in an attempt to look innocent when in actual fact she looks more like a child trying to hide the fact they'd just smashed a rather expensive vase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry about the wait. I have much going on, anyway enjoy the chapter.

Week 15

"Come on!" Roxanna hisses under her breath as she fiddles with the zip of her skirt which was refusing to fasten. "Oh, you know what..." she widens her eyes in frustration after the sixth attempt, deciding to put her contact lenses in instead and get everything else ready before reattempting to do it up again. 

It doesn't take long for her to admit defeat and grab an item with a slightly more flexible waistband. A large open coat along with some appropriately positioned A4 paper or a clipboard would help to hide the growing bulge around her stomach, she may have lost the battle but the war was yet to be won... Or not, if her unborn fetus had anything to do about it. 

"Morning." John smiles to her, a small cup of espresso in one hand, a full sized coffee cup in the other. 

"Were you waiting for me?" She asks with a minuet frown as she makes her way over to where he stands by the lift. 

"Maybe." he grins, "Bought you a drink." she looks down at the two cups and automatically goes for the espresso. "Ah ah." John snatches it away making Roxanna stare down at him, agitated. "You shouldn't be drinking caffeine, it's not good for..." he nods discretely to her bump in order to not draw attention. 

Roxanna scoffs and grabs the other cup, removing the lid and wrinkling her nose at the contents. Her coat shifts open as her arms move and John quickly intervenes. "Oh, hang on." he murmurs, standing directly in front of her and inconspicuously folding her coat over. "You were showing, don't worry, no one saw."

"Oh!" she looks about in panic. "Thank you, now can we please talk about why the hell I'm holding a cup of hot chocolate?"

John shrugs. "Less caffeine."

"Marginally." she scoffs.

"Oh, that reminds me..." He reaches into his satchel and pulls out a plain lilac top that he holds up for the blonde to see when the area surrounding them clears. "Maternity top." he smiles. "I thought, you know, just in case."

"Where the hell did you get this?" she takes it from him to examine before shoving into her own bag, satisfied. 

"Obs and gynea." he shrugs again. "Told them it was for a patient so you don't have to worry."

Roxanna smiles down at him, her heeled boots allowing her to do so, with a smile that is half disrupted by a disbelieving frown. "That's really sweat of you John... Thank you." 

He wafts the air with his hand as if to say 'don't mention it' when the lift doors ping open and he gestures for his companion to go first. "I'm sorry to have to bring this up," he begins once they're alone, "but you do realize you can't hide that forever, especially now you're, what, sixteen weeks along?"

"Fifteen." she corrects abruptly. 

"Nevertheless," he continues, "have you booked time off with Abigail yet, have you got a dew date? Have you even begun to think about what you're going to do when it arrives? I know you haven't bought anything yet, hence the top."

"Is that what this is then?" she holds up the blouse that had been sitting at the very top of her handbag. "An excuse to have a go at me?" Roxanna stares at him, he just looks to the floor as if something more interesting might be going on down there.

He sighs. "I know it's not my problem but you should know that if for just one second I don't think you're fit to work because of this..." John locks eyes with her. "I am going to tell Ms Tate."

"John!" she looks on at him, shocked.

"If I think the outcome would be putting pressure on you or your baby then yes, I would." he shrugs for the third time, he was good at that.

Roxanna straightens her back, "And since when did you gain the right to decide what is and isn't good for me?" 

"Since you refuse to tell our best friend you're having his child." he says without missing a beat. She just glares at him with angry eyes of betrayal, the urge to punch this man in the face, not for the first time, builds up in her fists. 

"That's not fair." She replies instead, the last thing she needed today was to be arrested for assault.

"You'll thank me one day." John returns just as the lift doors reopen. 

Roxanna opens and shuts her mouth as she tries to find the right words and practically vomits them out when they're actually found. "I'll tell him when I'm ready." 

"Sooner rather than later," he turns to her, "because it's not going to be long until you have a full on bump that will not be so easy to hide from everyone." Roxanna scoffs and shakes her head at him. "Are you going to keep that jacket on all day?"

"If I have to." She replies without really thinking about it. 

"What if you get called into theater?"

"Then I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it." 

"You're being stubborn." Comes the reply.

"And you're being an arse." The blonde states with little care. John merely raises an eyebrow, spins on his heels and starts to walk away, much to his annoyance, she follows. 

"Don't tell Abigail." She calls having stopped after several feet, trying her hardest not to make it sound like a beg, he just keeps going until he's off the ward and safely into the corridor. 

"Don't tell me what?" A voice from behind her says making her automatically spin on the spot to reveal none other than Ms Abigail Tate herself. Roxanna's eyes widen and she self-consciously wraps her coat around her a little tighter. 

"It's not important." she smiles in an attempt to look innocent when in actual fact she looks more like a child trying to hide the fact they'd just smashed a rather expensive vase. 

"Didn't sound that unimportant, you know, when you were screaming it half way across the ward. What did he want?" she persists. 

"It was nothing, seriously. We were just arguing about a patient but it's all sorted now. " 

"Right." Abigail lifts a blonde eyebrow. "Whatever," she dismisses it, much to Roxanna's relief, "I'm here to see you anyway; I have some extra notes for one of your patients, Ronald Fraser." The older woman nods and takes the papers from her hands.

"Thank you." She nods with an uncertain smile as the woman looks her up and down, eyes slowing around her abdomen making Roxanna feel the need to cross her arms. "Was that it?" she asks casually. 

"That's it." Ms Tate confirms and walks away leaving Roxanna to drag herself into her office and slump against Henrik's empty desk. It became apparent, as she looked across to her own table and chair, that sitting opposite the one man she was trying so hard to keep this a secret from was not going to be an easy task. Not an easy task at all.


	5. Three Blondes And A Maniac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Mh." She hums in agreement just as Roxanna gets up. "What are you doing?" 
> 
> "I just remembered something." The standing woman replies, trying her best to ignore the horrible pain she'd gotten as she'd moved. 
> 
> "I thought we were waiting until Essie's nosebleed stopped." Abigail frowns up at her and then to the person to her left. 
> 
> "I have patients I need to attend to." she lies, knowing full well she'd be off shift by the time she got back, before heading towards the door where she sways and stumbles back.
> 
> "Roxanna?" Essie tries worriedly. 
> 
> "I'm fine." She returns a little too quickly and disappears off onto the ward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say it only gets worse from here. TRIGGER WARNING!!!! (for basically the entire thing)

Week 21

"Oh, Roxanna! Thank goodness I caught you. Could you take a look at this patient for me?" Sacha Levy bellows at her on approach as she ponders through the ward. 

"Of cause." She agrees without hesitation and allows herself to be lead out of Neuro and onto General, a few mere meters away. 

"He's just through here." he says, holding the door open with a smile that looks excruciating to obtain. 

"Thanks." she nods and slips past him. 

After agreeing that said patient needed a CT scan, the two doctors stand in silence as they watch the porter take him away. "We'll catch up." Roxanna announces as she pulls Sacha back, he looks down at the arm she has hold of and then up to meet her eyes. They're caring and concerned and Sacha can't think for the life of him what he must have done to deserve such a look. 

"What?" He say with a frown that lasts as long as the syllable of the word. 

"Are you...Okay?" she asks seriously. "Mentally?"

Help me.

He scoffs. "What, are you asking if I'm mentally inept?" He replies in his usual joking voice, also known as his natural way of avoiding the question.

"I mean it, I was re-watching your news report from after the shooting the other night and it made me realize that you've been through a lot. I'm not an expert but I know a thing or two about depression and similar mental illnesses. I've been there... It's not fun." She smiles solemnly which he mirrors back to her. "All I'm saying is if you need to talk then I'm here and maybe I can relate where other people can't."

Nobody can help me now.

He rests a gentle hand on the woman's shoulder. "Thank you." She ducks her head, "And I'm sorry about David, I know it's coming up to the one year anniversary." A blade of guilt seems to stab her in the chest at the mention of his name and unwarranted memories from her night with Henrik invade her mind. 

"It's fine, honestly." she forces a smile, trying everything in her power not to think about that night.

I'm so tired.

Sacha inhales through his nose before patting his sides, "Right, I should get going. Those scanners wont scan themselves." He smiles that equally fake smile again and Roxanna watches as he leaves. 

"Get off me you bastard!" A rough sounding voice shouts from behind her and she looks around.

One of the patients is on the floor, the other on top of him, strangling him with the drip cord. The one on the floor chokes violently before passing out and Abigail, having mystically materialized from somewhere behind her, runs past and pulls him off. Essie joins her moments later and vainly attempts to pull the conscious patient away only to be punched square in the face.

"Oh!" she gasps, placing both hands on either side of her nose and closing her eyes. 

"Essie." Roxanna jogs to the far end of the ward where the event was taking place and scrunches up a tissue for her to stop the bleeding. 

"Thanks." she replies, taking the paper. 

"Call security!" The CEO orders one of the nurses who briskly holds a phone to his ear. She then takes hold of the curtain and draws it around the patient's bay. "Watch him." she points and indicates for Roxanna to step in before checking the unconscious mans pulse and announces he's still breathing. 

Roxanna reaches out to part the curtain when a roar comes from behind them. Instinctively she moves back to where Ms Tate is who stands up with raised eyebrows, "Get Psych up here too." she nods to the same nurse who gives her the thumbs up. 

The next ten seconds happened too fast for anyone to tell, no time to explain, no time to run or to hide, just to live with the consequences. She was stood there harmlessly, next to Ms Tate who was in the process of helping the victimized patient up and back onto his bed, a simple maneuver that was intended to improve the situation. Which it did... until what came next. 

With the patient now securely on the bed, just coming round from his traumatic experience, the same angry roar came from beyond the hanging fabric which was suddenly parted in opposite directions, the trolley bed headed straight for them. 

It only takes a second for Roxanna to find herself on the floor, Abigail next to her only caught by the other bed, and Essie knelt down by her side. She grips her stomach, panic running through her as she rolls onto her side with a grumble of anguish. 

"Where the hell are security?" Abigail yells, leaning up against the wall to catch the breath that had been knocked out of her. 

The man runs off the ward and down the left hand corridor followed by several of the nurses who jog after him despite the words of warning from the CEO. Essie frowns in concern at Roxanna. "Are you alright? Do you want me to call someone?" 

"No!" The neurosurgeon replies without hesitation with a violent shake of the head. "Thank you, I'm fine." She adds with a half smile. 

"Are you sure? You don't look fine." Essie returns with a frown, noticing how Roxanna was gripping her abdomen. "Have you hurt your stomach?"

"-It's fine," The blonde persists, "more shock than actual pain." Nurse De Luca ducks her head and aids the woman slowly back onto her feet.

After a few more minutes security finally show up to explain what was to happen to the now named Connor Cashworth. Apparently some head trauma had led to a dysfunction which made him become hypertensive around certain people. He was to remain in a separate room on psych with little contact leaving three battered and bruised blonde's to sigh with relief. 

"Well that was certainly exciting." Essie tries lightening the mood as they sit beneath the sinks in the Keller toilets, Abigail snorts but Roxanna stays silent, a terrible ache starting up in her abdomen and coccyx. 

"Certainly got the adrenaline pumping." The CEO agrees with a small smile. "Don't know what his problem was. Attacking three attractive women like that, man must have a death wish..."

"Or a no sex wish." Essie giggles, cheekily. 

"Maybe he has something against blondes." Abigail adds. 

"Mh." She hums in agreement just as Roxanna gets up. "What are you doing?" 

"I just remembered something." The standing woman replies, trying her best to ignore the horrible pain she'd gotten as she'd moved. 

"I thought we were waiting until Essie's nosebleed stopped." Abigail frowns up at her and then to the person to her left. 

"I have patients I need to attend to." she lies, knowing full well she'd be off shift by the time she got back, before heading towards the door where she sways and stumbles back.

"Roxanna?" Essie tries worriedly. 

"I'm fine." She returns a little too quickly and disappears off onto the ward. 

Abigail sighs, "Should we go after her?"

"She'll be fine, she's just a bit shaken I think, nothing to worry about." 

She thinks for a while, "OK... how's the nose?"

"I think it's stopping now, you?" 

"Fine. It'll take a lot more than that to bring us powerful women down."

"You said it girl." Essie replies with a mock accent which they both fall about laughing at. 

"I think our optimism alone deserves a drink, don't you? We'll ask Roxanna too, is that OK?"

"No complaints here, first round on me."

"You're on..."


	6. I Don't Know What's Happening To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "OK." John inhales deeply, when he next speaks, his voice is slow and calm as if talking to a young child. "This will probably hurt... I don't know what's happening to you but I know it's not good. You'll have to be brave."
> 
> Roxanna scoffs weakly. "I'm not a child."
> 
> John returns it with a minuscule smile and beckons Henrik over. "Hold her hand." he requests and watches as the two intertwine their fingers. "Ready?" 
> 
> The blonde takes a long shaky breath. "...Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! Or in other words I'm hurting so much from Roxanna's death I'm conveying it through writing in which Roxanna also is in pain... Make of that what you will.
> 
> Side note ~ I met Guy Henry and Paul McGann today!

"Have you spoken to Ms MacMillan recently?" Abigail asks upon entering the lab, unannounced.

"Not since this morning." John replies, looking up from his microscope, a flicker of worry on his face. "Why?"

The blonde takes a deep breath. "Her and myself were involved in an incident on Keller earlier, one of our more excitable patients, shall we say, decided he'd ram one of the beds into us. Essie was there too, she got punched in the face."

"Oh yes, she mentioned that before; she got called into theater before she could tell me the full story, though." He explains, "Was Roxanna OK?"

Ms Tate purses her lips, "I'm not sure, she seemed a little quiet afterwards. The three of us went into the lady's bathroom for a break and to wait for Essie's nosebleed to stop but she said she had patients to attend to. She just seemed a bit off, that's all... Distant, so I thought I'd check up on her."

"What exactly happened to her?" John leans forwards in his chair, ready to listen. He didn't want to start panicking before he had the full story... Then he'd panic.

"Well it only winded me-"

"Only!" John interrupts, alarm bells ringing in his mind. 

"It pushed her over, at first I thought she'd hurt her stomach but she landed backwards so she couldn't have."

John stands up, heart beating with worry. "What makes you say that?" He asks as a matter of urgency. 

She shrugs, "I don't know, she just gave off that idea. I'm probably over thinking this."

"Believe me, you're not." The professor gets out his phone and instantly brings up Roxanna's contact. "Where is she?"

"That's why I'm here, I thought she'd be with you." She scoffs. 

"She's not answering her phone, I have to find her." he replies, clicking his phone shut and putting it back in his pocket. 

"Do you know something I don't?" Abigail asks, standing in his way as he tries to get out. "Because if you do, I'd advise you to tell me now before this gets any further."

"I don't." 

"John." she crosses her arms disbelievingly. 

"Nothing that's relevant."

"Try again."

"It's not my business."

"Give over. When me and Essie last saw her we passed it off as shock but the way you reacted tells me that you know something we don't." She scowls. "Come on. I know there's something else going on here, look at it from my point of view. Your response, to me, looks like you know something's wrong with her, is she ill? Is she involved in something she shouldn't be."

John frowns. "Now you're just jumping to conclusions." 

"So tell me what it is and I'll stop!" She yells at him making him blink with a fazed sort of shock before pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing loudly.

"She's going to kill me for telling you this."

"And who's scarier, me or Roxanna?"

"Roxanna." He replies deadpan. 

"Wow!" Abigail steps back in astonishment, "She must be proper scary... Now spill or you'll be facing the wrath of us both."

He buries his face in his hands and shakes his head. "She's..." He shrugs with another sigh. "She's pregnant... Now do you see why it's important we get to her?"

"Oh." Abigail replies with a hint of guilt that she'd stalled them this much already. "Of cause, go."

***

Something was wrong.

The moment she'd excused herself from Abigail and Essie her abdomen had felt as thought it were about to explode, a sensation foreign to her until this point. Fresh air might help, or at least that's what she told all of her hypochondriac patients, which, at this moment in time, she thought she was. Stop worrying Roxanna, she kept on telling herself but with no avail so she'd made her way outside to linger in the car park. Taking out her phone, dismissing a call from John, she pulls up Henrik's name. Tapping on the text box she writes 'URGENT! Need to talk, our office, ten minutes.' and waits for his response. 

It arrives seconds after she'd sent it with a simple 'OK' and an 'X', whether it was purposeful or accidental, she didn't care, she just needed to get up there and back onto Keller. 

Two floors up her phone buzzes again and she pulls it out to reveal a message from John saying 'Where are you?' but she quickly dismisses it, this was far more important. Another stabbing pain, like the one from earlier, only stronger, makes her stop and double over. Her hands grip the handrail in order not to fall and she lets out a half stifled grumble of pain. 

"Agh, this isn't good!" she curses, trying her hardest to straighten back up as the pain decreases. Finally she makes her way onto Keller but can only get half way past the desk before another twinge hits her. 

"Ms MacMillan, are you okay?" Doctor Chowdhury asks in her monotone voice, noticing the way Roxanna had winced. When she doesn't gain a response she looks to Dom who frowns.

"Roxanna?" He tries but is met with nothing more than a forced smile, faker the Sacha's, and a brief nod before she continues walking. He looks to Meena and signals for them to follow her just as Henrik comes out of his office. 

He raises a hand to great her, "Roxanna, there you are." The next agonizing pain stops her from mirroring him and she clutches her stomach.. 

"Rox!" John spontaneously jogs onto the ward from behind her and catches her just as the woman's knees buckle. Henrik follows and grabs her shoulders, forcing her to look at him.

"Roxanna? What's wrong, can you hear me?" she nods though concern is still written over every inch of his face. 

"Hurts." Is all she can make out.

"Get a wheelchair!" John orders making Dom and Meena rush off. "Abigail told me what happened to you earlier, why didn't you come and tell me?"

"I'm sorry." She groans, wrapping her hands tighter about her stomach. 

"It's OK." he kisses her on the top of her head. 

"What's wrong with her!" Henrik demands of John, still clinging onto the blonde as if letting go would end the universe. 

"There are no free wheelchairs." Dom announces, Meena appearing behind him.

"Go and help them. I've got her." he shoves the taller man away in encouragement for him to follow them, reluctantly he does so. "Is it the baby?" He asks the moment they're alone.

"I don't know." She admits.

"Where does it hurt?" He tries instead.

"Everywhere."

"Not a lot to go off here, Rox." John complains. She groans again, screwing up her face with torment. "I'm going to have to carry you." 

"What!" Roxanna splutters, tears now streaming.

"I need to get you to obs and gynea, now!" He looks to Henrik who is now stood a fair distance away with a terrified look on his face. "Have you told him?"

She shakes her head. "I was about to... Didn't get the chance."

"OK." John inhales deeply, when he next speaks, his voice is slow and calm as if talking to a young child. "This will probably hurt... I don't know what's happening to you but I know it's not good. You'll have to be brave."

Roxanna scoffs weakly. "I'm not a child."

John returns it with a minuscule smile and beckons Henrik over. "Hold her hand." he requests and watches as the two intertwine their fingers. "Ready?" 

The blonde takes a long shaky breath. "...Yes."

"Good." With that John sweeps her up into his arms, wincing at the shriek of suffering from the female, and carries her over to the lift. As they get there Henrik lets go to allow her to wrap her arms around John's shoulders, her nails digging into his skin even through the fabric of his blazer. 

"Could somebody please tell me what's going on!" Henrik demands, stabbing at the lift buttons. John looks to Roxanna who closes her eyes and lets go of his neck with one hand to pull the front of her coat over revealing the small swell of her stomach.


	7. Your Guess Is As Good As Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They speed walk down the corridor until they reach the main ward and set her down on an empty bed. "This is forty-eight year old Roxanna MacMillan, approximately five months pregnant, suffered a trauma to the abdomen a few hours ago and has since been suffering from server stomach pain. Approximately four minutes ago she passed out and as of yet has not regained consciousness, we think the trauma may have induced premature labor but not yet confirmed." John explains to the crowd of doctors now surrounding them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might update tomorrow as well because this chapter is very short and the suspense is becoming unbearable (and I know what happens lol) but for now, if you can, enjoy this chapter.

"I don't-" He blinks at her, eyes moving back and forth from her stomach to her eyes. 

"I tried to tell you." she lets out a repressed little sob. "Don't hate me for not telling you."

Henrik just stares blankly ahead but soon moves closer and cups her face in his hands, bending down to kiss her. "I would never hate you, in fact I am incapable of understanding the very concept of hating any part of you." The edge of her lips tug upwards and she even gives a little laugh of relief. 

"Ow!" It's soon drawn short, though, as she winces for a final time and her body goes limp. 

"Rox? Roxanna?" John jolts her in his arms to try and keep her away. "She's passed out."

"Why?" He asks, dread in his eyes. 

"I don't know." John admits, "It could just be her bodies way of coping with the pain but your guess is as good as mine. 

Henrik strokes the blonde's cheek as a single tear drops down and onto her face. "I'm so sorry." he whispers, chest moving up and down in panic. 

"Henrik, look at me." John orders, noticing the torment in the man's eyes. "You need to calm down, she'll be alright... Here, take her from me."

"I can't." he replies with a shake of the head.

"You have to, she's a dead weight and my arms have gone numb, take her!" 

Reluctantly Henrik releases the unconscious woman from his arms and almost instantly feels at ease just by being closer to her. "How didn't I notice, we spend so much time together. "

"It's not the time." John says, loosing his patients with the lift. 

Henrik looks down at Roxanna, how calm she looks but also how much he wants her to wake up and tell him she's alright. "We need to wake her." 

"And have her screaming in pain again?"

That makes them both fall silent until Hanssen eventually swallows the lump in his throat. "I don't want to lose her."

John locks eyes with him, "We wont." 

"But what about the child? Look at the size of it, it'll never survive and even if it does it'll spend the next year of it's life on an incubator and-"

"Henrik, stop. We don't even know if it's actually that yet, let's not jump to conclusions."

"Well what else could it be?" he snaps at John who shrugs. 

"Burst appendix, bowel obstruction, any number of things could cause these symptoms. 

"And that's any better is it?" 

"Look, we'll know more once we get onto Obs and Gynea." the lift pings open, "Come on."

They speed walk down the corridor until they reach the main ward and set her down on an empty bed. "This is forty-eight year old Roxanna MacMillan, approximately five months pregnant, suffered a trauma to the abdomen a few hours ago and has since been suffering from server stomach pain. Approximately four minutes ago she passed out and as of yet has not regained consciousness, we think the trauma may have induced premature labor but not yet confirmed." John explains to the crowd of doctors now surrounding them. 

"Have her waters broken?" One asks, pulling the curtain and stepping out with the two men who just look at each other. 

"We don't know." John admits.

"Okay, we'll get her checked out, is one of you the father?" Henrik steps forwards.

"I am, can I stay with her." 

"We'll let you know, best to just let us do our jobs for now. Family room is over there, you can go too if you like." the nurse looks to John, who nods, before disappearing.

"Come on." he pulls Henrik's arm.

"I can't, I have to be with her." The surgeon persists, flinching. 

"You heard what they said, let them do their jobs."

"I can't." 

This time John grabs hold of his shoulders. "She'll be fine, Henrik look at me... Say it; she'll be fine."

"This is not the time for blind optimism!" he tries to get away again.

"Stop... You need to take a break. What use will you be to her if she sees you panicking, hm? She needs our support. She need your support, not the other way round."

The taller of the two opens and shuts his mouth twice before giving in. "Alright."

"Thank you."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."


	8. A Mother's Intuition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's fine, you're fine, just relax." John gently presses her shoulders into the pillow, encouraging her to lie back down. "They've given you some anesthetic to help with the pain, we think the trauma you suffered caused you to go into premature labor. That's still happening now, they can't stop it, they've just sort of... paused it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a long chapter. A depressing chapter but nevertheless a long one.

"Roxanna? Roxanna... John, she's coming round." Henrik whispers to John who is stood in the corner of the room whilst he himself sits on the chair next to the bed. "Are you alright? Can you hear me?"

"What?" she frowns, disorientated. 

"They're prepping you for a C section, do you remember what happened?" John approaches her, suddenly her eyes widen and she starts to panic. 

"I can't... The baby... is it..."

"It's fine, you're fine, just relax." John gently presses her shoulders into the pillow, encouraging her to lie back down. "They've given you some anesthetic to help with the pain, we think the trauma you suffered caused you to go into premature labor. That's still happening now, they can't stop it, they've just sort of... paused it."

"You really have no concept of medical terms in midwifery, do you Mr Gaskell?" A nurse states with a grin as they come round the corner. 

"I'm afraid not." he admits. 

"Then I shall explain," They address Roxanna, "you can stay awake while we deliver if you want, it wont hurt but you may feel some mild discomfort. We will have to put it into an incubator and we may even have to operate but you're both in the best possible hands whatever happens." The nurse smiles. "Ready?" 

"What, now?" The blonde's breathing starts to escalate again. "What are the risks?"

"All you need to know is that we will do out utmost for you and your child, if you don't go through with this procedure there is a chance you could both die."

"And if I do?" 

"The risk is still there but it's much, much lower."

She looks to Henrik who smiles. "It'll be fine." he nods, a hand now placed on her arm. "Trust him-"

"Them." The nurse corrects making him frown. "I'm non-binary, you can call me Doctor Quinn though."

"Oh." Henrik stutters awkwardly, "I didn't mean to offend you I-"

"It's fine, honestly." They give him a vague hand gesture. "That's not the biggest issue right now, is it? Are you ready Ms MacMillan?" 

Roxanna closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "I suppose I'm going to have to be, aren't I?" 

"OK." They smile reassuringly, "Good luck."

"Can I come with her?" Henrik asks, stepping forwards. 

"I'm afraid not, it's hospital policy but you can come in the second we've cleared the room." 

With that they wheel the neurosurgeon off down the corridor, Henrik and John in tow, to the operating theater. 

"We'll be waiting." Henrik ducks down to kiss her hand and John gives her a small smile, "You'll be fine." 

Roxanna isn't sure if he was saying that to her or himself as she gets taken through the double doors and into the theater, but she manages to take one last look back at them before those doors close completely. 

***

"There's no heartbeat." One woman says as her and about five others crowd around the incubator. 

"What's happening?" Roxanna asks in a panic, trying to sit up to see, only to find it impossible to move. "Somebody tell me, please."

"We may have to operate." Another turns to say before returning to the child.

"But what's wrong with it?" her voice hitches on the last word.

"She's not breathing, get my an oxygen mask and a tracheostomy kit." 

"Should we book a pediatric theater space just in case?"

"Yes, do it. See how this goes and if it fails we'll open her up but only as a last resort, have we got that?" 

A chorus of hums and nods respond and she tries CPR, the baby's frail little body jolts lifelessly beneath her finger tips with each compression. 

"Oh god." Roxanna covers her mouth with her hands, tears melting onto her face. 

"It'll be OK Ms MacMillan, she's in the best possible care." Doctor Quinn explains, coming up beside her. "Ms Fanshawe will do the best she can, I assure you." 

"I feel sick." Roxanna sobs, hands shaking as she wipes her eyes. "Where's Henrik, he needs to be in here, where is he?" 

"I'll find him," they promise.

"OK, we're taking her into theater." She hears from the opposite side of the room as the doctor leaves. She watches as they take the incubator past the bed, the tiny being inside it rigged up to all the wires and tubes reliant on keeping it alive, not possibly looking like a human baby. 

"Bring her back to me." Roxanna begs as they exit the room leaving herself and one other doctor alone in the theater. 

"Roxanna!" Henrik bursts in, John quite some way behind him, and embraces her with heartbroken tears. "What happened?" He asks, pulling away and placing a hand on the side of her face.

"They said..." she sniffs and wipes her eyes, "They said she wasn't breathing. They're taking her into theater now."

"We need to be in there, can't we observe?" Henrik asks Doctor Quinn who enters after Gaskell. 

They shake their head, "You two can, but she can't."

"Why?" The blonde asks, pushing herself up onto her elbows. 

"It wouldn't be appropriate, you're too weak."

"You try and stop me." 

With that she swings her legs off the bed and attempts to get up. "I strongly advise you not to. The only reason you are able to do that now is because you're scared and you have adrenaline but it'll soon wear off, as will the pain relief. It's not safe."

"I don't care, help me." She orders John and Henrik who glance at each other before obeying, they place an arm each over their shoulders and hoist the neurosurgeon to her feet. 

"Roxanna please, this isn't safe."Henrik begs her.

"You're not well enough Rox." John adds and she looks up at him, surprised when her vision doubles.

"Please Roxanna." She's not sure who said that, the lights on the ceiling seem to keep on dulling and then suddenly brightening to the point that she has to squint, her audio depth perception seems off too as the first word seems to come from close behind her whereas the second further ahead - though she's sure both came from the same person. 

"Roxanna?"

"Roxanna?"

"What?" she hears her voice saying though it echoes in her ears for several seconds and she can't tell how much time has passed by the time she turns to Henrik who also doubles before turning dark.

There's a thud as the neurosurgeon's body hits the plastic coated floor, her eyes white from where they've rolled back in her head, partially visible through her semi-closed eyelids. Her body lays in prostration on the hard surface where all Doctor Quinn, John and Henrik had failed to save her before she fell.


	9. Do You Still Believe This Is Just Molecules Behaving Like Molecules?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No, it's okay. Where's John?" 
> 
> "Here." The Professor says, coming through the curtain just at the right time. "Hey." he smiles solemnly and walks over to the opposite side of the bed to gently place his hands on her cheeks and drop a brotherly, yet heartfelt, kiss just below her hair line. "Be strong." he mutters.
> 
> Roxanna looks up at him, tears collecting in her eyes. "Do you still believe this is just molecules behaving like molecules?" she asks, an angry seriousness to her tone. 
> 
> He doesn't reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry...

12 hours later

When she wakes she's on the women's and children's ward, all previous accomplices vanished into the midst of indistinguishable voices outside belonging to patients and staff alike. One of them must be Henrik's, surely. He wouldn't just leave her... would he?

"Henrik?" she calls calmly, trying not to think about it though there's a hint confusion in her tone as she tries to recall all that had happened before her new found consciousness. She tries to sit up only to be met with a stabbing feeling in her lower abdomen. Hurriedly she lifts the edge of her gown to locate the source of her torment. 

She has to shake her head and close her eyes to check she hasn't imagined the 'C' shaped scar that's in the process of forming a little above her groin, as well as the lack of swelling on her stomach which she runs the palm of her hand over the check she isn't hallucinating.

"Henrik!" she screams with a considerable amount of urgency in comparison to the first time as she recalls the details of the past day and a half. "Henrik!" She shouts again when she's met with silence and starts darting her eyes around the room for anything resembling a buzzer. Finally she locates the gray button, that had been sitting right next to her on the mattress the whole time, and stabs at it furiously six times in a row, then another three times, until a young looking junior doctor pops her head around the blue curtain with a charming smile. Much to her expense it soon dissolves into pure panic when she finds a gardening magazine being flung, at speed, towards her. 

"Where the hell is my baby?" Roxanna demands, seeming surprised even by herself at her uncharacteristic outburst (motherhood had already changed her it would seem).

"I-I don't know, I'm sorry, I'll just... urm, I'll get..." she thinks for a second, looking to the ceiling, "...Someone." she nods once and scurries away, slightly flustered. 

Roxanna groans in frustration and flings her head back into the stack of pillows behind her head, her hand absentmindedly rubbing her stomach. 

"Roxanna!" She hears Henrik's unmistakable voice from behind the curtain which he manipulates and eventually moves out of his way as he hurries to her side. "Are you OK? Are you in pain?"

"It's not important. Where is she?" He looks to the floor. "Henrik?"

"We don't know." he admits. "She's been in and out of theater all day, so have you."

"What?" The blonde frowns, once again lifting up her gown, only this time - her vision having focused now - noticing the other separate scars along her stomach. "What happened to me?"

Henrik takes his glasses off to rub his face, "You suffered an internal bleed, several, in fact, from the birth."

Roxanna scoffs at the word 'birth'. She hadn't felt like she'd given birth, she didn't feel like she'd done any of the hard work and yet at the same time it felt as though she'd messed everything up. 

"Wait." she holds up a hand to pause him, "All day, how long has it been?"

"Twelve hours." he informs her, glancing at his watch. 

"And still no definitive news?" She glares over his shoulder at the general area behind him.

"I'm sorry." Henrik utters, his lip trembling.

"Hey, it's not your fault." Roxanna whispers, looking back at him. "Come here." she reaches her arms out for a hug and lets him perch lightly on the side of her bed. His arms wrap around her shoulders, the top half of their bodies flush with each other. "Ow!" she hisses as he applies a little too much pressure to her stomach.

"Sorry." Henrik pulls away instantly with the same apologetic look that had started all this that night. It felt weird to think back to the days where she didn't have to rely on John for everything or to constantly hide away from Henrik. All that would go back to normal now, she supposes.

"It's fine, honestly." she mutters.

"Do you require more pain killers?"

"No, it's okay. Where's John?" 

"Here." The Professor says, coming through the curtain just at the right time. "Hey." he smiles solemnly and walks over to the opposite side of the bed to gently place his hands on her cheeks and drop a brotherly, yet heartfelt, kiss just below her hair line. "Be strong." he mutters.

Roxanna looks up at him, tears collecting in her eyes. "Do you still believe this is just molecules behaving like molecules?" she asks, an angry seriousness to her tone. 

He doesn't reply.

Henrik nestles his head into Roxanna's side - careful not to make any indirect contact with her scars - and lets her comb her fingers through his un-brushed hair. The sound of someone clearing their throat make him look up again to find Doctor Quinn stood next to them, a clipboard in hand.

All three of them snap to attention as they wait expectantly for their, either way, life changing news. The suspense seems to last a lifetime as Fleur Fanshawe appears a second (or was it an hour?) later. 

"I'm so sorry." She begins causing a loud ringing in Roxanna's ears and she feels like she can't breath.

"We tried everything we could." Henrik hears before he too goes deaf with the same high pitched tone invading his mind.

"It was just too much too soon." Is the last thing John registers as the imaginary sound causes his hearing to impair as well and he joins the other two in their agony. 

Roxanna's face screws up, her mouth open as a heartbreaking cry of pain falls from her lips and lingers in the room. Henrik slumps to the ground, one hand covering his mouth, the other holding onto his friend for dear life. John falls to his knees, the torment of having to see his best friends in pain proves to be too much as a single tear dribbles its way down his shirt. He reaches out aimlessly and finds the woman's arm which he grips tightly, his head pressed firmly into the mattress, the other hand stretching over her to hold Henrik's. 

"I'm so sorry." Is all he can say, over and over as the couple cry and mourn together. "I should have taken better care of you, I should have-"

Roxanna cuts him off by pulling him in for a tight hug and the three cry together. 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, my hand slipped, OK?!


	10. The Most Important Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her child was dead. Her husband was dead. Her best friends are grieving for one another and Henrik's depression is no doubt worsening. All the worst things in her life all tied to her and pinning her down like her feet are chained to the bottom of a well. 
> 
> 'No more' she tells herself as she slips through the ward unnoticed and to the lonely elevator. Pressing the button for the highest floor possible she slumps down in the corner of the silvery room and waits for those tall metal doors to slide open for her one last time. 
> 
> The soft ping of the lift as it reaches its destination alerts her to stand up and she wonders over to the final level of stairs. The black coated metal stares down at her, judging her - no - daring her, to proceed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading this fic, I think it's so important for people to understand depression and suicidal thoughts as an actual mental illness and not a cute dysfunction as people always make it out to be. Trigger warning throughout this chapter! I'm sorry if this has upset anyone but I want it to have an impact as someone with several severely depressed friends and I just want people to realise that it can happen to anyone, namely Roxanna who didn't appear to be as affected as I believe she would have been having lost her husband and being held at gun point etc... I know this is a completely different approach but I've been wanting to write a baby AU for some time and I thought it should have a dark twist that ties in with other depressed characters - as you're about to read - to show that you can have more than one mentally ill character in a show at a time. You'd think it's some sort of crime the way some shows go about it, so I hope I've done it some justice. Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoy (in the broadest way possible) despite the not so happy ending.   
>  Please note I have the best of intentions writing this and do not mean to offend nor purposefully upset anyone (except myself) and if I have I'll happily pay for your therapist.

The next day - 2am

Numb. That's the only way Roxanna can explain how she's feeling right now. Even the tears that feel like they've eroded her face don't sting anymore... Shame, that was the only thing she was still able to feel and now even that's gone. 

Henrik was asleep, so was John. Henrik on the chair next to her, John on the floor with a single pillow beneath his head. They'd both dropped off hours ago - the crying must've worn them both out - though Roxanna still finds her hand wrapped in the sturdy grasp of Henrik even in his unconsciousness.

She looks over to John, he'd offered to leave the couple in peace during one of the gaps in their crying - they'd both declined. Roxanna knew she could never fully understand John, or the way his mind worked, but the guilt she'd seen on his face when their child was announced dead was like nothing she'd ever seen before. Had he felt responsible for this? She supposed she'd never know now.

A deadpan expression on her face, a low, steady breathing pattern in her chest, Roxanna slips her hand out of Henrik's leaving a kiss on his lips. The pain is agonising as she stands up but she doesn't feel it, not fully. Then she goes over to John, another kiss is placed this time on the back of his hand as all her memories from university burst into her head. She almost smiles at her funniest memory of that time she'd knocked over a metal pencil holder making both boys scream and John to fall back on his chair. Her lips very nearly curl at it but fades as soon as reality kicks in. 

Her child was dead. Her husband was dead. Her best friends are grieving for one another and Henrik's depression is no doubt worsening. All the worst things in her life all tied to her and pinning her down like her feet are chained to the bottom of a well. 

'No more' she tells herself as she slips through the ward unnoticed and to the lonely elevator. Pressing the button for the highest floor possible she slumps down in the corner of the silvery room and waits for those tall metal doors to slide open for her one last time. 

The soft ping of the lift as it reaches its destination alerts her to stand up and she wonders over to the final level of stairs. The black coated metal stares down at her, judging her - no - daring her, to proceed. 

Roxanna merely blinks and stomps on each one as she draws closer to the door to the roof. She reaches out a hand and presses against it, a slither of surprise expresses itself on her forehead when she finds it already open, and makes her way out into the strong night wind. 

The rush of air causes her short hair to dance in all directions upon her head and small bumps of skin to form on her limbs and the exposed parts of her torso. She looks around, her ears popping with the force of the wind, and stumbles over to the edge of the roof. The blonde closes her eyes, letting the sting of the light rain abuse her face and turn her skin blue with cold. 

She stays there for what seems like hours but could've been seconds as the tears start to pour once again, she's so close to being at peace, all she has to do is-

"Rox?" 

She tenses as a stiff hand touches her shoulder and pulls her backwards and away from the edge, whoever it is wraps their arms around her upper torso and restrains her.

"Stop!" she cries, "Just let me go!" Her knees buck and they both fall to the floor.

"Rox, Roxanna, it's me. It's Sacha, what's going on." Roxanna freezes and looks up to see the tall man now with his hands on her shoulders whose eyes also look red from tears. 

"Sacha?" She sniffs, registering his face.

"What's going on?" he repeats and rubs a tear from her face with his thumb. "What are you even doing up here? You'll freeze to death." 

She doesn't reply. Instead he lets her bury her head into the fabric of his floral blouse and wraps his arms around the woman's head as protection from the rain. "I'm sorry." she replies after some time.

"It's OK, I've got you... I was told what happened to you, I'm so sorry, I can't even begin to imagine what you've been going through and-"

"She's dead." Roxanna interrupts him, clinging to her stomach where she wishes she could feel the tiny heartbeat she'd felt earlier that day. "She's dead and it's my fault. I should've looked after myself more, I should have..."

"Oh, Rox." Sacha murmurs and pulls her in tighter. It hurts her stomach when he hugs her but she doesn't care, not anymore. "Why are you up here?" he asks once she's calmed down and the crying has stopped. "What were you going to do?" There's a cautious tone to his voice as he lowers it to address her. 

The neurosurgeon wipes her eyes and stares right at him. "I might ask you the same question." 

Sacha shakes his head with a scoff, he chews his lip as if debating whether to be truthful or to come up with a believable lie within the next few seconds. "Fine." he looks to the floor and stands up, leaving the woman on her knees. "If you really want to know..." he takes in a long deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose, "This isn't the first time I've been up here," he locks eyes with her, "I've just had one of those endless days where the universe feels like it's against me and I can't do it. Not anymore." 

Roxanna nods and makes her way slowly back to her feet. "I understand." she nods and for the first time ever Sacha actually believes her. Whenever anyone in the past had ever said that they 'understood' him, he knew they were just trying to be a good friend but could secretly never understand how this felt. But as they stare at one another with that same dead blankness behind their eyes he knows for sure that when this woman - who has been through hell itself today too, it would seem - says she understands him, she is being genuinely honest. 

"Thank you." 

Roxanna straightens her back "I suppose this means you don't exactly need to ask me why I'm up here." She looks down to see that a patch of blood has soaked through the front of her gown, nevertheless, she ignores it. Sacha, however is not so easy to let it slide.

"Please get back inside, you'll bleed to death." She gives him a look as if to say 'so what?' "Please, Rox. I need to do this on my own." his voice cracks and breaks like his will to live. 

"Nobody should ever have to be alone. But if you have your heart set on this, as I do, then I think we should do it together."

Sacha frowns down at her, "But what about Henrik... and Gaskell?" the name tastes like poison in his mouth, he didn't trust the man as far as he could throw him, but in the knowledge that he was important to Roxanna he deduced the point is still valid. 

"They have each other. It works both ways anyway, what about your family?"

He laughs impossibly, "They'll survive." Roxanna returns with a little solemn smile, "But please don't do this, you're stronger than this." 

"So are you." she replies, a lump growing in her throat as she tries not to start weeping again. 

"I think we both know that's not true." he replies gravely, backing up and stepping onto the ledge. 

"Please don't." Roxanna begs, trudging towards him. "If you jump now, you should know that I'll be right behind you, at least let me do it with you." she sobs.

He frowns, tears now racing down his cheeks. "I can't die knowing that I let you-"

"So go back inside. I'm doing this either way but I think you are too, neither of us can win. I just want to rest."

"Me too." The man sobs.

Roxanna nods and joins him on the ledge, they both look over and down at the little ants that walk the pavement, how tiny their existence is in the universe. "How many people do you think die in here each day, each hour, even?" he looks up at her, "And the Earth keeps turning, people just get on with their lives. We're nothing."

He doesn't reply but she knows he's thinking the exact same thing.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asks eventually.

"Yes." she nods tearfully, her eyes darting down to the people bellow. They've started to notice. "And I know what you're answer is going to be but I have to ask..." they lock eyes once more, the weight of their sorrows now halved at least but still not enough to make them want to back out. Her bottom lip trembles as she opens her mouth to ask the most important question she's ever had to ask in her entire life: "Shall we jump?"


End file.
